Still Processing - To Be Continued

I've just returned from an unexpected and difficult trip to see my mother. I am still processing the experience and will attempt to write more later. How grateful I am to the Buddha and his teachings. While I was away my only internet access was through my phone, so I was able to read the reflections of my dear Dhamma friends. A true gift.

Cake Anyone?

A couple of weeks ago I was watching my granddaughter eat a piece of cake, so naturally I thought of Ajahn Brahm! What?? :-) Coincidentally the topic of cake and Ajahn Brahm has been popping up in a couple of places that I visit on the web as well. For anyone who hasn't heard one of his Dhamma talks on the different types of Buddhism, here is my favorite. In it he explains, as only he can, that the various schools, traditions and sects can be compared to different flavors of icing on the same cake. I first heard this talk a few years ago, and it quickly helped to ease those pesky questions about which was "right" or "better", and yes even, "which one is authentic?".

Back to my granddaughter for a moment. Here's the thing - she only wants the icing! So when I said I was watching her eat a piece of cake, that wasn't really accurate. She was actually eating icing that happened to be on a piece of cake. She's always only been interested in the icing. Serious sweet tooth that one! All the color and sprinkles and creamy sweetness! Mmmmm. It's all so very enticing, especially for a 9 year old. She asks for cake but never eats any of it. It's all about the icing! As far as she's concerned, cake is something that holds icing, nothing more. Plus, she's smart enough to know that if she asked for a bowl of icing and a spoon the answer would be no. Over the years she's missed out on some really good cake!

To wrap this up, my natural inclination when it comes to cake is yellow cake with a bit of chocolate butter cream icing. I'm also quite content with just the cake if there isn't any icing available. It's delicious just the way it is. If you'd ever like to offer me a taste of cake with a bit of your favorite icing that would be lovely. And you're always welcome to have a taste of mine.

Half Way Point

After a rather rocky start to my retreat it is, well, what it is. There have been many distractions, both internal and external. Of course they're all internal when you get right down to it. Focus is illusive. Strangely that seems okay. I'm not sure if it's acceptance or just plain laziness. Being with whatever comes along without running too far with it is the best I can do. But it feels a lot more like apathy than equanimity.

Oh...Poop!

I have spent the better part of the last few days chasing flies. Thankfully this spectacle was not captured on video or audio - especially audio! My language has been a bit crude, even for me. My ability to formulate an endless array of possible loopholes, exemptions and exclusions to the first precept has been impressive! These critters have given me quite a workout, physically and mentally. So what led up to this invasion? (I've never actually seen this many house flies in one place-certainly not MY place!)

It started several weeks ago when my husband took down a large section of the backyard fence that was damaged in a storm and needs to be replaced. (This is starting to sound like that story about a butterfly flapping it's wings in Africa and...) Anyway, to keep our dogs from getting out, he built a temporary fenced in area adjacent to the back door. To be blunt, that created the conditions for a lot of uh, dog poop to be concentrated in a relatively small area. Fast forward to Monday, which was my son's birthday and also Memorial Day. We opened the pool, fired up the grill and had a great family get together. Lots of food, lots of spills, lots of people leaving the door open... Yeah, the flies couldn't resist a temporary change in diet and discovered there was plenty of food to check out just around the corner, so they went for it.

How can one actually become angry at a fly? I mean REALLY angry! These things are incredibly difficult to catch for one thing! Much easier to whack them with a rolled up magazine, or better yet a nice fly swatter. I don't own a fly swatter, but I did roll up a newspaper. Yes I did. And I swore like a sailor and threatened to use it. My threats fell on deaf ears. Can flies hear? It was around this time that I realized how glad I was that there was no one around to witness this whole thing.

It was time for some "lying down" meditation. What came to mind was Ajahn Chah talking about how when we are about to do something wrong we tend to look around to make sure nobody will see. But we often don't consider that WE will see. All the more important to understand this teaching when what we may be thinking of doing would be seen as absolutely the right thing to do by most other people. In fact NOT doing it would be considered, well, a bit crazy!

I learned that it's impossible to catch a fly, let alone dozens of them, when angry or frustrated. I learned that with a calm and focused mind, compassionate heart and patience, it's not that hard to round up a bunch of rowdy intruders and show them the door. A much better result for all concerned than what I had first considered, though briefly!

As Sunday and the start of my retreat fast approaches, I can't help but wonder what the challenges will be that are sure to pop up along the way. And will I be able to see them for what they are, opportunities to strengthen this practice, and not obstacles that get in my way.

Turning Down, Tuning In

In other words it's time for a tune-up. Turning down the mental volume and tuning in to the heart is so easy to forget as we get wrapped up in the day to day hustle and bustle that we latch on to. To step back from some of the stuff of household life, even for a short time, requires careful planning to avoid stepping on other peoples emotional toes as much as possible. Abundant opportunities for developing the Brahma-viharas there. It's all practice, especially the challenging parts.

Last winter Gary over at Forest Wisdom (soon to be found at Buddha Place) did a self retreat and I decided to join him, though a tad late. I found it to be extremely helpful and realize that, much like physical exercise, at least some of the benefit fades over time if not maintained. I also remember that knowing someone else was making the effort as well was a great help, especially in getting through the rough spots. So I invite anyone who visits here to join me if you're able.

I'm planning on the first week in June for my tune-up/retreat. I've a few details to wrap up and some commitments to attend to. Trying to tie up as many loose ends as reasonably possible while remaining open to the inevitable situations that routinely present themselves in an active and sometimes unpredictable household is kind of a warm up exercise in patience and equinimity.

I've chosen Ajahn Sr. Vayama as my retreat 'leader'. It has been a long, long time since I've listened to her teachings so I'm looking forward to her wonderfully direct and gentle guidance. During this time I will commit to meditating each morning and evening, listening to a Dhamma talk by Ajahn Vayama each day, and observing the 8 precepts.

The Fierce Urgency of Now

"...We are now faced with the fact, my friends, that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood-it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, "Too late." There is an invisible book of life that faithfully records our vigilance or our neglect. Omar Khayyam is right: "The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on."..."

That is a very short excerpt from Rev. Martin Luther King's speech "Beyond Viet Nam". Recently Sen. Barack Obama borrowed the phrase, "the fierce urgency of now", in one of his own speeches.

These few words struck me on so many levels. First and foremost they snapped this wandering and undisciplined mind back to the importance - and urgency - of this practice. There is precious little time for meditation, even under the most fortunate circumstances in which I find myself. There are responsibilities and everyday duties and chores to be done, yes. But then what? Now comes and goes regardless of whether I choose to be aware or not, and to waste time with regret over missed opportunities would only insure further neglect.

I'm relatively certain that neither Dr. King nor Sen. Obama would have imagined that these words might serve as inspiration for a struggling Buddhist to regain her bearings on this path. I don't think either would mind.

As I was reflecting on this, I remembered something I had read in "Food for the Heart". Finishing a talk on the benefits of practice, Ajahn Chah encouraged his students not to let time roll by unused and without purpose. He ended with this Lao folk-saying:

Many rounds of merriment and pleasure have passed; soon it will be evening. Now, drunk with tears, rest and see. Before long it will be too late to finish the journey.

I know I have read this many times, but without really noticing it. When I opened the book to find this saying to share here, I went right to it.

(The entire text of Dr. King's speech can be found here.)

What Was I Thinking?

I broke my own rule recently and surfed the "Buddhist" channels of the web. Argh! It's pretty stormy out there.